On Identity: Woman and Mommy

[kcobweb]

So, not to turn into a total cliche of a stay at home mom already, but Ayelet Waldman was on the show talking about an article she recently wrote. Then there were all these "regular moms" who were really upset by the article, and wanted to tell Waldman what a horrible person she must be. I’ll assume none of you saw it, and recap:

Basically, she wrote that the passionate center of her life is her husband and not her children, and as a result, she still has a fabulous sex life, unlike most other mothers of young children she knows. Most of the moms there had no problem with the second part – many freely admitted that they had no sex life to speak of right now. But they fervently objected to the first part. The opposing viewpoint was that young children are helpless and need you, while your husband will always be there for you. There was some disagreement expressed on that last point – including a male guest who pointed out that you can’t take your husband (or partner, or whatever) for granted – or else when you are ready to resume your relationship with him, he might be gone.

The most controversial statement from the article was “But I'm not in love with any of [my children]. I am in love with my husband.” People were appalled that she would say such a thing. But I don’t think you should compare romantic love to parental love. There is a major difference between love and in-love. I’m just discovering parental love and what that means, but it’s a different set of issues from a romantic relationship. And it should be that way. I don’t want to relate to my daughter the same way I relate to my partner. For one thing, ewww, that’s not right. For another thing – I value him for different reasons than I value her.

Waldman stated that she was really responding to the mommy culture she sees around her of women totally fixating on their kids to the exclusion of their husbands, and everything else. She may have gone a little far in that effort, but I think she meant well by it. There was some discussion of how self-centered many children are today; their parents have taught them from the cradle that they are the center of the universe, and it’s a rude awakening when they find out otherwise. There has been a lot written on this subject lately (I believe either Time or Newsweek had a cover story a month or two back) – about how the latest generation of children for the most part has no sense of independence, they can’t think for themselves, they think everything will be handed to them on a silver platter, yadda yadda yadda.

Of course, this is very timely for me, and relates to how I’ve been thinking about my own life the past few weeks. I realize I’m a brand-new mom here, but I think the watchword should be “balance”. Okay, that’s my watchword for a lot of things. But why should I have to choose between my partner and my child/ren? Can’t I have both? Can’t I be there for both? To be sure, at 6 weeks old, the baby has a definite set of demands and needs, and she can’t be reasoned with or put off with excuses (“um, your father and I are going to have sex now, so can’t you wait an hour?” – ain’t gonna happen). But she isn’t always crying – she does sleep occasionally (like right now). And we still talk: about her, about politics, about books, about things in the world, about what we should do with our lives (still trying to figure that one out).

To me, the greater issue is one of identity, and how we define ourselves. I’ve been hyper-aware of drowning in mommy-dom for the past 6 weeks. Every time I post, I realize I have nothing to say but baby-things. I wish I had exciting things to say about something else, anything else. But the truth is that Baby Issues are all I’m dealing with right now. Some days I don’t even manage to get dressed, or to leave the house – it can be that overwhelming and time-consuming. My dad calls me up on the phone and asks “what’s up? what else is going on? nothing?” and sounds so surprised at my denials – and every time I remind him that I’m a little buried, a bit consumed right now. The truth is, I don’t want to be one of those women who can’t talk about anything but the baby. And I do realize that eventually my horizons will expand again, little by little, and I’ll have exciting things to talk about (like whatever I used to talk about... hmmm, what was that again?). This is why I’ll probably return to work after some time – because I’ll be bored and need to stretch my brain. And there is certainly nothing wrong with that. I think I’ll be a better mother for it, for having a life and thoughts and ideas outside my family, my home and my baby.

I want to keep my partner at the center of my life in a lot of ways. I think it's important to recognize that we had a life together before the baby appeared – and presumably someday she will leave the house and go off on her own, and we'll have a life of just the two of us again. I want to focus on the EB too – making her into a strong independent passionate woman of her own devising (with opinions that will no doubt piss me off). I don't think these two things are mutually exclusive. I also want to carve out time for me, because I am the nexus of these things (well, from my perspective I am) – if I don't nurture myself then I can't do anything for anybody else. The trick is to figure out how to do all these things at the same time.

Comments

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Rock. On.

I read the Waldman piece when it came out; I'm fascinated to hear about her Oprah appearance.

I think you're right about balance. And I think the balance will come. It makes sense that you're immersed in mommydom right now -- you've just made one of life's major shifts, and it's one that's particularly overwhelming. That's cool. If you're still blogging all-EB, all-the-time in a few years, we'll start to worry. *g* Otherwise -- I think it's really cool to get this little window into what your life is like, and I like hearing about mommydom and the EB and all that jazz. And someday you'll have the time and energy to do other stuff again, and that's cool too.

I guess what I'm saying is, seems to me the balance accrues over time. You may be more buried in babystuff now than you'd prefer to be, and may feel imbalanced, but you'll be more buried in something else some other time (new job, e.g.)

Basically I want to applaud your last paragraph with wild cheering and pompoms, even though I don't know the trick to doing it all at once, either. :-)

[wavyarms.livejournal.com]

I, too, applaud you! And while I realize it may be disconcerting to feel that you have only one thing to talk about, I don't really think of your posts like that. I mean, I don't say, "Oh, kcobweb posted - must be boring baby stuff again!" I just checked your last post. You talked about being sick, about snow, about curling up with a good book and making some lentil stew. I mean, the EB figured in about maybe a third of the post?

And, to tell the truth, you could tell far more cute baby stories (and post far more cute baby pictures) before we'd get sick of it. ;)

Frankly, I find it really valuable to have this little window into the life of a very sane mother. :) When all sorts of stuff about mommy-dom is consuming the media, it's nice to have someone's real narrative going on.

[ellinor.livejournal.com]

I have been thinking about this in two ways lately, so your post is doubly timely.

The first is that I have lots of friends having kids now, and for the first time about a week ago, I had a vaguely resentful feeling about it. I know my friends with kids are enjoying and focusing on something important and rewarding, but as easy as it is to know that, it still stings a little to learn that their kid is *always* going to be more "important and rewarding" than I am. I end up feeling like I lose my friends, as their focus moves away from me and the things we do together, and toward things that I can't really share. I guess all parents define themselves by their kids, somewhat, but it still comes as a disappointment. Maybe I'll get them back in a few years, but like that man on Oprah said, maybe I won't be there when they're ready to come back. It seems like there would be a way to include friends in their lives (as you have, with blog entries and such) without losing focus on the baby.

The other is an analogue to the work context, rather than the parenting context. For as long as I can remember, I have defined myself largely by what I have been working on. In college, I interpreted "how are you," with a few exceptions, to mean "how is school going." Now, "how are you" always gets a response about how work is going first, and then a follow up about other things in my life. I had friends tell me that my holiday letter a couple of years ago was really disturbing, because it talked about work before other subjects. And three days ago, I had someone I *barely know* write the following to me in an e-mail: "I think I'm better than you at []balancing my life. I tell you this because I gather your life is overly work-centered, thus making work both the goal and the means. Your life style and leit motif. Anyway. I hate being given unsolicited advice, so I better stop. All the more so, not been (sic) sure that's your status." I know I'm work-focused, and I don't know that I even mind being someone who talks a lot about my work. It's interesting, after all. But how do I avoid becoming a one-note guitar? It's not like I don't have other things going on, it's just that they're pretty ordinary in comparison, the same way the rest of your life, right now, pales in comparison to the baby activities.

So I don't know exactly where this is going, except that I am thinking about similar subjects, and I think you're perfectly justified - more, you're right - to be focused on baby issues now. I also think you're right to want to keep others involved in your life. We won't get bored with the baby stuff as long as you keep including us. This won't last forever, and when the time comes to branch out - which I am confident you will want to - you will make sure that EB doesn't turn out with a self-centered sense of entitlement. I am confident that you can be a mom without losing your you-ness and your connection with others.

:)

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

I'm sure that part of my wrestling with my newfound identity is the fact that I just left a job which I identified myself with very strongly. That has been a radical change in how I view myself and think of myself - and I'm not sure how I want to replace that piece, or even if I do.... Too soon to tell, I'm sure, but it exists as a part of this, nonetheless.

[galagan.livejournal.com]

I know my friends with kids are enjoying and focusing on something important and rewarding, but as easy as it is to know that, it still stings a little to learn that their kid is *always* going to be more "important and rewarding" than I am.

I'd like to think this is a misconception. There are all kinds of things I do that are rewarding, and I don't want to give those up. If I stop being a traveller / poker player / singer / stage techie just to be a dad, then that'd be a travesty and I'd sure hope my friends would do their part to whip me back into shape. :)

I end up feeling like I lose my friends, as their focus moves away from me and the things we do together, and toward things that I can't really share.

I think each parent has to decide what his or her parenting style is going to be and what priority the kid takes. It's sad to think that I might lose friends just because I may have less time for them than I used to. That said, I have friends who are parents who have done a good job of putting their parenthood to one side and basically saying, "hey, I've got kids if you want to do kid stuff with us, but otherwise let's keep meeting up in Vegas or for spring training once a year and that's cool too." It can be done. It just takes work.

[ltlbird.livejournal.com]

What you both said. :)

I also feel that parenting is all about balance, and while I haven't had a child of my own, I have some very related experience and observations. Raising a well-adjusted child requires being a well-adjusted adult. For many people, that necessitates having a career outside the home. It also means that you need to take time to nurture relationships with people other than your child. Not only does doing so teach your child that he/she is not the only creature in the universe with needs and wants, but it provides a potent model from which he/she will learn about romantic love. I firmly believe that taking time to ensure that one is a happy, healthy person in general is crucial to being a good parent.

Like kassrachel said, though, I wouldn't worry about being baby-centric now. We all go through phases in which one aspect of our life consumes us. I am sure you've had folks on your friends-list who have posted about nothing but work, relationships, or even a hobby for weeks or months at a stretch. And those things don't literally scream for your attention (and the very milk of your body) at 3AM. :) So, while I admire you for realizing that your partner and other parts of your life need and deserve your attention, make sure to cut yourself some slack for now.

[ltlbird.livejournal.com]

oops. I meant to post that as a reply to kassrachel's comment. Hence the, "you both".

[journeywoman.livejournal.com]

Re: snotty self-centered children, I recommend reading The Epidemic for ideas on how to avoid having one. I disagree with Shaw's opinion that a full-time parent is the best way to start your kid off, as I know some examples where a full-time mom is creating little monsters, but overall it's a good read.

I too felt for a while that the baby was all I could talk about, to the point where I was boring myself. It really took me aback to realize how all-consuming the boyo would be. I expected him to take over all my time, but not all my thoughts as well. Going back to work three days a week has certainly helped me to reconnect with parts of my brain that had been atrophying, and also he's becoming slightly more independent as he moves out of that newborn stage. I'm finding that balance is not as difficult to achieve as I'd been led to believe by the experience of some of my friends, happily.

There is certainly nothing more controversial than how to parent your child. People are so invested in what they think is right. I just saw some friends of mine who had a baby two weeks ago. We were talking about whether another child would be in the works for either us or them. I mentioned something about being glad to have some time to myself, and how even that small amount would be lost with a second child, and the husband said quickly, "Oh, I don't mean that I wouldn't want another kid for selfish reasons." Like wanting more private time than just a 10-minute shower was criminal.

[kcobweb.livejournal.com]

But selfishness in a parent is always automatically bad....

I actually think that not wanting a second child for selfish reasons would be a *good* thing - I mean, it's better than having a child whom you're going to neglect while you're out selfishly gallivanting.

But then, I think of selfishness as something that can manifest itself postively - I think it's important to be able to say "look, I can't do this for you/be there for you/whatever - for my own selfish reasons, because it's more important that I take care of myself right now." It's just a shame that we have to see taking care of our selves as "selfish", with all those bad connotations.

[journeywoman.livejournal.com]

That's how I think of this variety of selfishness, too--it's a signal that you need to stop and take time out for yourself. I feel like I'm always taking care of somebody these days, whether it's the baby, the dog, or my husband, and when I do stop to read a book, I feel guilty that I'm not doing laundry, cooking, or some other household chore. We need another term besides selfishness.