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[personal profile] kcobweb
So, not to turn into a total cliche of a stay at home mom already, but Ayelet Waldman was on the show talking about an article she recently wrote. Then there were all these "regular moms" who were really upset by the article, and wanted to tell Waldman what a horrible person she must be. I’ll assume none of you saw it, and recap:

Basically, she wrote that the passionate center of her life is her husband and not her children, and as a result, she still has a fabulous sex life, unlike most other mothers of young children she knows. Most of the moms there had no problem with the second part – many freely admitted that they had no sex life to speak of right now. But they fervently objected to the first part. The opposing viewpoint was that young children are helpless and need you, while your husband will always be there for you. There was some disagreement expressed on that last point – including a male guest who pointed out that you can’t take your husband (or partner, or whatever) for granted – or else when you are ready to resume your relationship with him, he might be gone.

The most controversial statement from the article was “But I'm not in love with any of [my children]. I am in love with my husband.” People were appalled that she would say such a thing. But I don’t think you should compare romantic love to parental love. There is a major difference between love and in-love. I’m just discovering parental love and what that means, but it’s a different set of issues from a romantic relationship. And it should be that way. I don’t want to relate to my daughter the same way I relate to my partner. For one thing, ewww, that’s not right. For another thing – I value him for different reasons than I value her.

Waldman stated that she was really responding to the mommy culture she sees around her of women totally fixating on their kids to the exclusion of their husbands, and everything else. She may have gone a little far in that effort, but I think she meant well by it. There was some discussion of how self-centered many children are today; their parents have taught them from the cradle that they are the center of the universe, and it’s a rude awakening when they find out otherwise. There has been a lot written on this subject lately (I believe either Time or Newsweek had a cover story a month or two back) – about how the latest generation of children for the most part has no sense of independence, they can’t think for themselves, they think everything will be handed to them on a silver platter, yadda yadda yadda.

Of course, this is very timely for me, and relates to how I’ve been thinking about my own life the past few weeks. I realize I’m a brand-new mom here, but I think the watchword should be “balance”. Okay, that’s my watchword for a lot of things. But why should I have to choose between my partner and my child/ren? Can’t I have both? Can’t I be there for both? To be sure, at 6 weeks old, the baby has a definite set of demands and needs, and she can’t be reasoned with or put off with excuses (“um, your father and I are going to have sex now, so can’t you wait an hour?” – ain’t gonna happen). But she isn’t always crying – she does sleep occasionally (like right now). And we still talk: about her, about politics, about books, about things in the world, about what we should do with our lives (still trying to figure that one out).

To me, the greater issue is one of identity, and how we define ourselves. I’ve been hyper-aware of drowning in mommy-dom for the past 6 weeks. Every time I post, I realize I have nothing to say but baby-things. I wish I had exciting things to say about something else, anything else. But the truth is that Baby Issues are all I’m dealing with right now. Some days I don’t even manage to get dressed, or to leave the house – it can be that overwhelming and time-consuming. My dad calls me up on the phone and asks “what’s up? what else is going on? nothing?” and sounds so surprised at my denials – and every time I remind him that I’m a little buried, a bit consumed right now. The truth is, I don’t want to be one of those women who can’t talk about anything but the baby. And I do realize that eventually my horizons will expand again, little by little, and I’ll have exciting things to talk about (like whatever I used to talk about... hmmm, what was that again?). This is why I’ll probably return to work after some time – because I’ll be bored and need to stretch my brain. And there is certainly nothing wrong with that. I think I’ll be a better mother for it, for having a life and thoughts and ideas outside my family, my home and my baby.

I want to keep my partner at the center of my life in a lot of ways. I think it's important to recognize that we had a life together before the baby appeared – and presumably someday she will leave the house and go off on her own, and we'll have a life of just the two of us again. I want to focus on the EB too – making her into a strong independent passionate woman of her own devising (with opinions that will no doubt piss me off). I don't think these two things are mutually exclusive. I also want to carve out time for me, because I am the nexus of these things (well, from my perspective I am) – if I don't nurture myself then I can't do anything for anybody else. The trick is to figure out how to do all these things at the same time.

Date: 2005-04-21 01:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wavyarms.livejournal.com
I, too, applaud you! And while I realize it may be disconcerting to feel that you have only one thing to talk about, I don't really think of your posts like that. I mean, I don't say, "Oh, [livejournal.com profile] kcobweb posted - must be boring baby stuff again!" I just checked your last post. You talked about being sick, about snow, about curling up with a good book and making some lentil stew. I mean, the EB figured in about maybe a third of the post?

And, to tell the truth, you could tell far more cute baby stories (and post far more cute baby pictures) before we'd get sick of it. ;)

Frankly, I find it really valuable to have this little window into the life of a very sane mother. :) When all sorts of stuff about mommy-dom is consuming the media, it's nice to have someone's real narrative going on.

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